Joe Balaz


If wun pig could talk
it would be Bumbye Betty.

Rolling around in da mud
and talking stink about everybody.

Fat, obnoxious, and ugly—
and dose are her best qualities.

Yapping fifty miles a minute
she would make wun auctioneer
sound like he wuz talking in slow motion.

And her shining personality—
brings tears to your eyes
like wun truck load of rotten onions.

Bumbye Betty—

Bitch wit a capital B

da reason some men go insane
da reason some women hate each other.

Da center of all existence
exists in her selfish little pea brain.

She would make
wun rabid pitbull look charming.

Opinionated on everyting and anyting
as if she wuz da maddah of all creation

wen all she is doing

is passing gas
through both ends.

Bumbye Betty—

Bad-tempered and malicious.

Bumbye she going put her foot in her mouth
and choke on it.


Bring da air in
through da left nostril—

Hold ‘um in
and visualize da rising sun—


den let da air out
through da right nostril

wit all da pilikia
dat stay stuck in your head.

Sniffing da Buddha, brah,
no hesitate foa mediate

wen you can take
dat magic carpet ride

to da land
of reduced hypatension.

Your boss
dat certified bastard
dat you would love to strangle

is creeping into your brain—

no worry
breath in through da left nostril again

hold ‘um in
and look into da bright sun


den let da air out
through da right nostril again

and visualize your boss
being flushed down da toilet.

Ommmmmmmm li’dat.

Your kids
are driving you
absolutely insane—

hold it togettah
and just calm down.

Bring da air in
through da right nostril dis time

look into da round sun again—

and let da air out through da left nostril

while visualizing your offspring
in military school

being whipped into shape
by wun redneck sergeant

dat likes to kick
wise ass okoles.

Sniffing da Buddha, brah—

Ommmm li’dat again.

You just found out

your maddah-in-law
will be visiting tomorrow—

no stress out—

dis time
breath in deeply
through both nostrils—

hold ‘um in as long as you can


and let da air
flow out through both nostrils

while you escape
through da sun

like going through wun rabbit hole
to Wonderland

as you watch
your maddah-in-law

melt away
like da Wicked Witch of da West—

Sniffing da Buddha, brah,
it keeps you as sane as sane can be—

at least
most of da time.

author's note:
bumbye means later or eventually
pilikia means trouble
okole means buttocks

Joe Balaz lives in northeast Ohio in the Greater Cleveland area. He is the editor of 13 Miles from Cleveland.

Balaz grew up and lived in Hawai’i until he moved to Ohio. He has composed works in American-English, Hawaiian Islands Pidgin English, music-poetry, and concrete poetry. In contemporary Hawai’i two prominent languages are used: American-English and Hawaiian Islands Pidgin English. Beginning in the early 1970’s, many writers in Hawai’i started to create more and more works of literature using the Hawaiian Islands Pidgin English that they grew up with. In the forty or so years hence, a rich and extensive literature of Hawaiian Islands Pidgin English comprised of poems, short stories, plays, and novels, has flourished in Hawai’i.

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