Shawn Haggerty

To Win the Loyalty of That Kind of Woman

These walls are bright. As bright as this screen, which captures my undivided affection and I want to explain myself:

Assumption is my existential enemy.

My roommate Pat just texted me: Soz mike just quit playing god of war after drinking the rest of my 5th and went back downstairs. I think he wants to try to mack on you if you are in for some entertainment and want to fuck with him a bit

My new paramour Jeff also texted me: So when do I get to see you again?

After recognizing that I’m already irritated that I can’t exist outside my room or outside this house without someone listening for me… (like when I listen for rats in the wall, my ear pressed to the cold paint)… so that they can come follow me around, invading my life, asking me dumb fucking questions because I’m some thing of interest en ce moment…. anyways I noticed that a gnat had found its way into the neck of my bottle of wine and fell into its nectar. I took a moment to consider how to scoop it out, but the neck of the bottle ensured that the most reasonable method would be impossible, and I was left with dumping out the wine until the gnat isn’t inside anymore.

I left my room, scampering on the hallway lights peripherals, to pour out (ideally!) just the surface level and hope the fucking gnat went with it.

I’m still going to drink it; no point in wasting a nine dollar and seventy cent Chateau Ste. Michelle 2013 Dry Riesling. I mix it with limon San Pelligrino, because I can feign class sometimes.

Everyone in the house has been concerned that I’ve been spending less time outside of my room. They’ve been asking each other what’s wrong with me, looking for insider information, gossip (which only indicates that they are self absorbed enough to jump to the conclusion that they have been caught). But for me, it’s become apparently awkward for everyone due to the well known but unspoken fact that there are unrequited feelings meandering between the boys and myself in the house. And the more anyone tries to squeeze their grip around me knows I harden like any common household Oobleck before draining and slipping out of reach.

It just feels natural.

I texted Jeff back: How much time do you need to pass?

We’re now discussing plans for tonight or tomorrow, both of which are pretty unrealistic. He just succumbed that I must be in charge of plans since I’m the one with a schedule for the next few days.

My mother is coming this week. I’m not at all sure what time, I just know that she’s looking at 6pm for Thanksgiving dinner. I work at 4:30pm, and I feel like the example she gave me as a child that work is more important during the holidays because overtime puts food on the table totally justifies my actions for not showing up for the 6pm dinner reservations.

I just texted Jeff: I can come over in the later half of the 22nd hour on monday.
                               Or something
                               IDK what you’d want to do

Jeff responded: Yeah, and stay over?

So I respond: May I?

                        : Yeah absolutely

It’s incredibly nice to feel wanted.


It’s incredible.


I’ve just told him that I think he’s cute.

Jeff is texting me: You’re so nice! Generous with your compliments

I am trying to explain that I’m just being honest with you, the thoughts that cross my mind. I’m trying to be authentic with my present time.

All he texts back is a smiley emoticon, and I’m falling fast into silent insecurity.

I look at the wine and the damn gnat was there, in the bottle… the whole time…. maybe on the bottle, maybe a new one, who knows. I just plucked it out with a pair of tweezers and then quit.

This is Shawn Haggerty's first published piece.
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