nick nelson



my name is p.

i am a person.

a person just like you.

or maybe not.

i mean - i am a person. although at this point you just have to take my word for it.

but you might not be.

in fact, now that i think about it, if you are reading this, it is much more likely that you are not a person, but a bot, trying to determine - something… what i can be sold, or whatever …

anyway, if you are indeed a person and are reading this, i have a message for you.

i would like to trade places with you.

i should say, i might like to trade places with you. that is to trade my brain - or “soul” or “personality” or whatever - for yours. so that “i” would be in “your” old body, and vice versa.

don’t worry, the technology is coming. it must be, i read it on line.

and even if it really isn’t, i am sure a couple of 21st century personages like me and you can work something out.

before we go further, i have to say there are three exceptions i can think of to my offer to trade bodies with “anybody”.

first - if you expect to be dead within the next six months. i am sorry, i have to give myself at least that much to enjoy my new “self”.

second - if you are in constant physical pain. sorry to be such a coward and sissy, but there it is.

and third, if you are so physically repulsive that people openly recoil from you. the only thing i can think of that would qualify in this regard is to have terrible odor. no matter how ugly or deformed you might be, after the first shock people will just space by it, but if you stink, really stink - again, sorry, but i am too weak for that.

otherwise - it’s all good, good buddy. old, ugly, deformed, stupid, any race or breed or creed i don’t care. or young! if you can’t wait to grow up and get away from mom and dad, that’s cool too.

and if you are rich or famous or a movie or tv star, and your fans and the intrusive media and paparazzi are driving you crazy, i think i can handle that also.

but - i can see you asking, what is in this swap for you?

i can only say - i am me.

and i am just about the most ordinary, boring person in the world. which is basically why i would like to be anybody - almost anybody - else.

you want a few more particulars?

i am between twenty and forty years old. i do not have a college degree but i am not completely unemployable.

i even have a job - sort of - right now!

i am an american. i am not sure what it means to be an american in the 21st century. i watch the same tv shows and listen to the same music and watch the same news as everybody else.

i guess being an american just means i can’t speak any language except english. i can’t speak any language except english. (american english).

i am white.

i was brought up by a white american mom in the “american heartland”.

i don’’t have any religion.

i am not sure what religion is, really. i keep meaning to look it up on wikipedia, but i never get around to it.

i keep my weight down, more or less.

my favorite tv shows are “law and order” and the various “csi”s.

my favorite writers are agatha christie and james patterson.

i play lotteries every chance i get.

my income - unless i win the lottery - is below “poverty” level, but if i wanted, i could eat more than nero or henry viii ever dreamed of. like i say, i’m an american.

so, how about it? would you like to be me?

if you are interested, i m me, or call the number listed above.

nick nelson is another member of the Pessoan ensemble that is the horace p. sternwall stable of writers.
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