Jay Buchanan


midnight sometimes

Sometimes you feel fat
And you feel ugly
You feel ugly
You feel eyes 

Sometimes you feel fat
And that feels good
It feels sexy
It feels right

Sometimes you feel fat
And that’s all
Who fucking cares?

Sometimes you feel fit
And that feels respectable 
And you feel tired
Or you feel strong

Sometimes you feel gorgeous
Like everyone always said you were 
And that feels powerful
Like an undeserved treat

Sometimes you feel childlike
And things feel daunting 
And life feels hard
You feel like crying

Sometimes you feel ancient
And crear-eyed
Like an oracle 
To the unwashed and heterosexual masses

Sometimes you feel angry
About everything 
At everyone
You don’t love them they’re not it

Sometimes you want to quit
quitting sucks
You aren’t a quitter
You feel like a weakling 

Sometimes you want to get trashed
And feel like trash
And like it
Because it’s different 

Sometimes you walk
Pace the floor
About the town
For miles and miles 

Sometimes you work
Not sometimes
Always
The work is constant.

Sometimes you feel manic
And you get all your work done 
And make love to your person
And feel like the Prince

Sometimes you feel wired 
And you can’t focus
You shake
Eyes go wide

Sometimes you feel wired
And you can’t focus
But you work like a dog, do an impressive amount 
And pass out in your desk chair 

Sometimes you feel enlightened
Like you’re channeling pure power
And then you stop
And can’t help but grieve that feeling 

Sometimes you feel sad
Pure T weary
Can’t even move 
Definitely can’t wash dishes

Sometimes you feel droopy
So you draw a deep, hot bath
And try to sweat it out
And it usually doesn’t work

Sometimes you feel brilliant
Like you’re a legit luminary 
And that feels nice
But you don’t know if it’s true

Sometimes you feel smart
And then something reminds you
How much more is known 
By so many

Sometimes you feel femme
And you love that
And it feels desirable 
And it feels beautiful 

Sometimes you feel femme
And you feel derided
And you feel demoted
But you don’t like to gripe about misogyny

Sometimes you feel masc
And you love that 
And that feels desirable 
And it feels beautiful 

Sometimes you feel masc
And it feels like a mask
That doesn’t fit properly
But won’t come off

Sometimes you feel gay
And it feels exotic
Like people don’t get it
But they know that they’d like to

Sometimes you feel queer
And you feel radical
And you feel proud of that
And you’re glad 

Sometimes you feel gay
And you know you’re an outsider
And that doesn’t feel personal anymore
But it still fucking sucks

Sometimes you feel snobby
And it feels like you’ve earned that
Come on, at least that, right?
And you know it’s not cute

Sometimes you feel effete 
And it feels unfortunate 
But it doesn’t seem to matter
And it’s also kind of nice

Sometimes you feel guilty
And guilty for feeling guilty
And self-satisfied for feeling guilty
Just quagmired in guilt 

Sometimes you feel ready
And that makes you formidable 
And people notice
You get good feedback

Sometimes you feel ready
And you do what you need to do
Even though it’s not pretty
And most people wouldn’t do it

Sometimes you feel 
Like this is a good place to stop.


 

Jay Buchanan is an emerging poet, art historian, and performance theorist. Based in 
St. Louis, he is a graduate student in Performance Studies at Wash U. He is Managing 
Director of Idiosynchrony, a podcast qua collective sonic artwork, and other writing 
is forthcoming in ASAP/J.
 
 

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