jeremy witherington

the waitress

illustrations by jacqueline lemot

a story with over 20 nonillion (20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) variations

bill was

a - a good guy
b - a bad guy
c - a regular guy
d - a boring guy

janet was

a - a bitch
b - a slut
c - a saint
d - just a person

bill and janet had

a - a boy and a girl
b - 2 boys and a girl
c - 2 girls and a boy
d - 18 children

they lived in

a - a penthouse
b - a shack by the side of the road
c - with bill’s mom
d - in the park

bill had

a - a big nose
b - big ears
c - a good heart
d - a big smile

janet had

a - a big ass
b - big boobs
c - a nasty face
d - the weight of the world on her shoulders

lucy was

a - bill and janet’s oldest child
b - bill’s old girl friend
c - janet’s twin sister
d - a homicide detective

dave was

a - lucy’s supervisor
b - lucy’s old boy friend
c - a serial killer
d - a troll

amanda was

a - a victim
b - loaded with dough
c - a panhandler
d - the spirit of love in a hate-filled world

dave thought amanda was

a - an idiot
b - a babe
c - a mark
d - a terrorist

moe was amanda’s

a - dad
b - daddy
c - long lost child
d - twin brother

moe was

a - a drunk
b - a sex addict
c - the son of a preacher man
d - an easygoing sort

mickey was

a - moe’s best friend
b - amanda’s next door neighbor
c - nobody to mess with
d - a poet and a dreamer

bill and dave

a - went to high school together
b - were on the same bowling team
c - went to the same church
d - went to the same supermarket

dave thought janet

a - had fucked bill up big time
b - was hot
c - should mind her own business
d - reminded him of his mother

dave and amanda

a - needed to talk
b - decided to get to know each other
c - agreed to compare notes
d - overheard a conversation between tony and carla

tony was

a - the boss of the whole east coast
b - a poet and a dreamer
c - a retired delicatessen owner
d - a good dad

carla was

a - tony’s daughter
b - the town slut
c - a loud mouthed pushy bitch
d - the mayor’s wife

dave ordered

a - the special
b - a western omelette
c - whatever amanda had
d - a soft roll and a glass of water

amanda ordered

a - the special
b - a steak and french fries
c - whatever dave had
d - a whole chocolate cake

the waitress’s name was

a - sally
b - shirley
c - sandi
d - millie

the waitress thought

a - dave was cute
b - amanda was pushy
c - life was no day at the beach
d - it was time for a change

tony thought the waitress

a - reminded hm of his mother
b - hurt his eyes
c - should show a little more chest
d - should pick up the pace

carla was

a - bored
b - scared
c - out of it
d - ready for anything


a - bill walked in
b - it started to rain
c - dave realized he had forgotten his wallet
d - carla felt dave’s eyes on her

the waitress

a - took a deep breath
b - wished she was in florida
c - thought carla looked familiar
d - felt bad vibes coming off dave

meanwhile janet

a - was asleep
b - was getting smashed
c - was reading her old diary from high school
d - was packing her suitcase

and lucy was

a - reading a james patterson novel
b - planning a vacation
c - ready to give it all up
d - writing in her notebook

aaron was

a - lucy’s long lost boy friend
b - mickey’s invisible friend
c - the life of the party
d - just a guy

unknown to aaron

a - carla had a secret life
b - janet had strange dreams
c - tony was ready to turn state’s evidence
d - dave was a sex addict

unknown to amanda

a - her mother was a trained deadly assassin
b - her ex-husband was a serial killer
c - she was allergic to the peanut sauce on the special
d - a meteor was about to crash into earth

dave was wearing

a - blue socks
b - black socks
c - mint aftershave
d - underwear with little cupids on it

outside on the sidewalk

a - a few raindrops began to fall
b - a bum scratched his kneecap
c - a woman with three dogs walked by
d - a dog sniffed at a styrofoam cup

amanda was wearing

a - a lacy black thong
b - red white and blue nikes
c - a pained expression
d - a yellow ribbon in her hair

the waitress suddenly remembered

a - it was tuesday
b - it was thursday
c - she needed to buy some toilet paper
d - life was sad

carla was thinking about

a - a dry martini
b - a vacation on old cape cod
c - her first boy friend
d - the creepy guy in the parking garage last night

tony was thinking about

a - the new star wars movie
b - the fifth race
c - retiring and moving to arizona
d - how fucked up everything was

moe was

a - in arizona
b - in a bar down the street
c - lost in the recesses of his own mind
d - ready to turn hs life around

when his order arrived, dave

a - smiled at the waitress
b - said “this looks great. thanks, sweetheart”
c - looked at it and sighed
d - suddenly remembered something

when her order arrived, amanda

a - said “thank you” to the waitress
b - realized she wasn’t getting any younger
c - attacked it with gusto
d - looked at it and sighed

suddenly tony felt

a - dave looking at him
b - amanda thinking about him
c - that carla was about to betray him
d - that life was meaningless

returning to the kitchen, the waitress

a - broke down and cried
b - called her girl friend
c - ate a bread stick
d - said a little prayer

roy, the cook

a - was in love with the waitress
b - hated his job
c - was a yankee fan
d - was a red sox fan

nancy, the other waitress

a - called in sick
b - was a backstabber
c - was a saint
d - was her own woman

behind the restaurant

a - a cat was sleeping
b - two mice were chasing each other
c - the sun was shining
d - time went by

walter entered the restaurant

a - and sat down in a booth by himself
b - and time stood still
c - and nobody cared
d - carrying a battered brown briefcase

walter was

a - a trained deadly assassin
b - permanently unemployed
c - the loneliest man in the world
d - desperate

the waitress

a - recognized walter
b - did not recognize walter
c - smiled at walter
d - thought walter looked like a creep

walter ordered

a - a cup of coffee
b - a glass of milk
c - the special
d - two hot dogs, well done, and cole slaw


a - said it was a nice day
b - asked the waitress if she recognized him
c - told the waitress she had a nice smile
d - told the waitress she should smile more

dave turned around

a - and recognized walter immediately
b - and nodded to walter
c - and pretended not to know walter
d - and looked past walter at the rain

amanda thought

a - what goes around, comes around
b - you can’t fight city hall
c - they get you in the end
d - it’s been a long day, and it’s still not over

jeremy witherington is another member of the Pessoan ensemble that is the horace p. sternwall stable of writers. They have a number of books available on lulu as by the 'total dissatisfaction press' and now also on Amazon.
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