jeremy witherington


the waitress

illustrations by jacqueline lemot

a story with over 20 nonillion (20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) variations

bill was a - a good guy b - a bad guy c - a regular guy d - a boring guy janet was a - a bitch b - a slut c - a saint d - just a person bill and janet had a - a boy and a girl b - 2 boys and a girl c - 2 girls and a boy d - 18 children they lived in a - a penthouse b - a shack by the side of the road c - with bill’s mom d - in the park bill had a - a big nose b - big ears c - a good heart d - a big smile janet had a - a big ass b - big boobs c - a nasty face d - the weight of the world on her shoulders lucy was a - bill and janet’s oldest child b - bill’s old girl friend c - janet’s twin sister d - a homicide detective dave was a - lucy’s supervisor b - lucy’s old boy friend c - a serial killer d - a troll amanda was a - a victim b - loaded with dough c - a panhandler d - the spirit of love in a hate-filled world dave thought amanda was a - an idiot b - a babe c - a mark d - a terrorist moe was amanda’s a - dad b - daddy c - long lost child d - twin brother moe was a - a drunk b - a sex addict c - the son of a preacher man d - an easygoing sort mickey was a - moe’s best friend b - amanda’s next door neighbor c - nobody to mess with d - a poet and a dreamer bill and dave a - went to high school together b - were on the same bowling team c - went to the same church d - went to the same supermarket dave thought janet a - had fucked bill up big time b - was hot c - should mind her own business d - reminded him of his mother dave and amanda a - needed to talk b - decided to get to know each other c - agreed to compare notes d - overheard a conversation between tony and carla tony was a - the boss of the whole east coast b - a poet and a dreamer c - a retired delicatessen owner d - a good dad carla was a - tony’s daughter b - the town slut c - a loud mouthed pushy bitch d - the mayor’s wife dave ordered a - the special b - a western omelette c - whatever amanda had d - a soft roll and a glass of water amanda ordered a - the special b - a steak and french fries c - whatever dave had d - a whole chocolate cake the waitress’s name was a - sally b - shirley c - sandi d - millie the waitress thought a - dave was cute b - amanda was pushy c - life was no day at the beach d - it was time for a change tony thought the waitress a - reminded hm of his mother b - hurt his eyes c - should show a little more chest d - should pick up the pace carla was a - bored b - scared c - out of it d - ready for anything suddenly a - bill walked in b - it started to rain c - dave realized he had forgotten his wallet d - carla felt dave’s eyes on her the waitress a - took a deep breath b - wished she was in florida c - thought carla looked familiar d - felt bad vibes coming off dave meanwhile janet a - was asleep b - was getting smashed c - was reading her old diary from high school d - was packing her suitcase and lucy was a - reading a james patterson novel b - planning a vacation c - ready to give it all up d - writing in her notebook aaron was a - lucy’s long lost boy friend b - mickey’s invisible friend c - the life of the party d - just a guy unknown to aaron a - carla had a secret life b - janet had strange dreams c - tony was ready to turn state’s evidence d - dave was a sex addict unknown to amanda a - her mother was a trained deadly assassin b - her ex-husband was a serial killer c - she was allergic to the peanut sauce on the special d - a meteor was about to crash into earth dave was wearing a - blue socks b - black socks c - mint aftershave d - underwear with little cupids on it outside on the sidewalk a - a few raindrops began to fall b - a bum scratched his kneecap c - a woman with three dogs walked by d - a dog sniffed at a styrofoam cup amanda was wearing a - a lacy black thong b - red white and blue nikes c - a pained expression d - a yellow ribbon in her hair the waitress suddenly remembered a - it was tuesday b - it was thursday c - she needed to buy some toilet paper d - life was sad carla was thinking about a - a dry martini b - a vacation on old cape cod c - her first boy friend d - the creepy guy in the parking garage last night tony was thinking about a - the new star wars movie b - the fifth race c - retiring and moving to arizona d - how fucked up everything was moe was a - in arizona b - in a bar down the street c - lost in the recesses of his own mind d - ready to turn hs life around when his order arrived, dave a - smiled at the waitress b - said “this looks great. thanks, sweetheart” c - looked at it and sighed d - suddenly remembered something when her order arrived, amanda a - said “thank you” to the waitress b - realized she wasn’t getting any younger c - attacked it with gusto d - looked at it and sighed suddenly tony felt a - dave looking at him b - amanda thinking about him c - that carla was about to betray him d - that life was meaningless returning to the kitchen, the waitress a - broke down and cried b - called her girl friend c - ate a bread stick d - said a little prayer roy, the cook a - was in love with the waitress b - hated his job c - was a yankee fan d - was a red sox fan nancy, the other waitress a - called in sick b - was a backstabber c - was a saint d - was her own woman behind the restaurant a - a cat was sleeping b - two mice were chasing each other c - the sun was shining d - time went by walter entered the restaurant a - and sat down in a booth by himself b - and time stood still c - and nobody cared d - carrying a battered brown briefcase walter was a - a trained deadly assassin b - permanently unemployed c - the loneliest man in the world d - desperate the waitress a - recognized walter b - did not recognize walter c - smiled at walter d - thought walter looked like a creep walter ordered a - a cup of coffee b - a glass of milk c - the special d - two hot dogs, well done, and cole slaw walter a - said it was a nice day b - asked the waitress if she recognized him c - told the waitress she had a nice smile d - told the waitress she should smile more dave turned around a - and recognized walter immediately b - and nodded to walter c - and pretended not to know walter d - and looked past walter at the rain amanda thought a - what goes around, comes around b - you can’t fight city hall c - they get you in the end d - it’s been a long day, and it’s still not over

jeremy witherington is another member of the Pessoan ensemble that is the horace p. sternwall stable of writers. They have a number of books available on lulu as by the 'total dissatisfaction press' and now also on Amazon.

 
 

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