Russ Bickerstaff

What I Am Not Seeing

               Hard to tell what I’m not saying. My doctor told me to expect that I wouldn’t be saying some things. And I’m not sure exactly what are you talking about. Or she for that matter. I can’t remember. So many doctors telling me so many different things. Many kids, on my way out the door, I make the conscious decision not to go arm. I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like they were in a few different things that I could’ve used as weapons on my way out the door. But I decided not to.
               I mean, I never really decide to take any weapons on my way anywhere. But it is a conscious decision. There really isn’t any questioning that. It’s a conscious decision to be completely on armed in any circumstance. I know this much. The locking the door, of course. I’m not exactly and staying or anything like that. I just don’t want to go out of the house armed with anything. I feel it’s bad for him. Like you’re expecting something to happen. So I try not to do anything like that. I try not to color the day with my expectations. I don’t want to run the risk of causing a problem.
               Of course, there’s a box of firearms on any street corner. I mean, I could if I decided to pick something up. But then you’re kind of at the whims of whoever left it there. You know know how much ammunition is in it. You don’t know if it’s fully a operational. Generally is speaking these are publicly accessible player arms they’re probably in pretty good shape. There are people were really, really interested and making sure that things get maintained. Volunteers. People have good field strip those things and oil and maintain them because it’s something to do but still, you can never be too certain. And I don’t know that I would ever have occasion to reach into to any one of those bands on any street corner.
               It’s around the edges. What I’m not saying. That’s what they’re telling me. Little shadows and things. It involved some work. It involved a silicone band. Something good works in a mechanical way with friction on some level to secure my retina. At least that’s the way I understand it. I really don’t know. I really don’t know what to expect. But they tell me that I might lose some vision. So I guess I have. But I don’t know what it is that I’m not saying that I should be seeing.
               So cross the street and continue walking. And then moving. I’m probably making sure that I’m doing something. Although, I’m not really certain what it is that I need to be doing. Certainly I’m heading off to work. Certainly there’s some concern about that. Although, I’m really not certain what it is that I should be doing about it. I’ve got work to do. I’ve got to go to work. I’ve got to go to work on armed because that’s just who I am.
               I mean, I get to work and I’m sure there are things that I’m not seeing. Around various corners. Coworkers. The emotions of coworkers. Things of that nature. But it says little shadows in the corner. That aren’t always there. Sometimes there they are. Sometimes they’re not. But whatever the case, it’s pretty clear that I’m not seeing them. But I’m continuing to work anyway. Then I don’t have a gone nor and I for anything like that. Just sitting behind a desk pro ing data. And calls. And calls that caused me to process date. Processing data that causes me to make calls that ultimately have to be answered.
               That sort of thing. And I know there are things that I’m not seeing. The shadow seem to be whispering to me now. Or maybe that’s just the ventilation system. I don’t know. Whatever it is, I’m almost certain that there are things that I’m not perceiving in my daily life. But they suddenly have them called attention to like that. By my doctors. At least I assume they’re my doctors. He or she or whoever. Her all out there. And they’re all telling me that I’m not seeing things. But I mean, I can’t remember the last time I went into see a doctor. So I’m not sure exactly what it is that’s going on.
               I suppose I kind of want to know what’s going on. I kind of want to know what it is that I’m missing. Because I know that I’m missing something. But I don’t know what it is. And they’re telling me there are things that I’m not seeing as I’m finishing up work and heading home. Not at the same time, of course. But I’m going over to text. I’m going over the messages. The audio messages never left on my voicemail. They don’t necessarily have anything to do with the fact that I’m not seeing everything. They don’t have anything to do with a Shadows an Peter I’m pretty sure the shadows aren’t whispering to me or anything like that but I don’t know. I get the feeling that there are people who are probably dead right now. I’m sure I heard some gunfire over the course of the day. I know I don’t happen to be one of them. I don’t happen to be one of the people are dead. And I feel pretty good about that as I make it into my home. Lock the door. Observe that everything is fine. The bars are still on the window and all of that. Feeling perfectly good. Feeling perfectly secure. And maybe I’ll watch some thing. Maybe I’ll listen to something. And maybe after all of that I’ll go to bed. As for right now, I guess I’m kind of hungry. So I suppose I’ll probably eat. Try not to think about all those things that I’m not seeing.

Russ Bickerstaff is a critic and author living in Milwaukee, WI.
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