Edinburgh Mews
(Clare Hewitt, Jill Cameron, Judy Wilson, Kirsty Lewin, Nicky Melville, Moira Naismith) 


A mews’ bouche (a language event)

If the language event doesn’t work this time
the mountains will fall into the sea.
(First line: Nicky Melville. Second line: Moira Naismith)


If it’d been more like a new piece of work
picketers will have a quiet word with Kay Burley.
(Moira Naismith, Kirsty Lewin)


If there is a starter of soup 
three tatties will be washed.
(Both lines: Jill Cameron)
 

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to hold a bird in the hand 
the cockroach will dance on our bones.
(Clare Hewitt, Nicky Melville)


If napkins keep tigers off the track 
it would all be in vain.
(Jill Cameron, Clare Hewitt)


When turkeys rise in the morning 
cakes would fly and splat into windows.
(Kirsty Lewin, Judy Wilson)


If the large house was smaller than the tiny cottage 
it would, quite simply, be a sigh. 
(Judy Wilson, Nicky Melville)


If things go on like this 
it would be the right thing to do.
(Nicky Melville, Clare Hewitt)


If wishes were horses
a disaster will be averted.
(Moira Naismith, Jill Cameron)


When marshmallows become clouds 
candyfloss, pink not white, would be a vote winner.
(Nicky Melville, Kirsty Lewin)


When the carpet needs sucked
they would love to take their clothes off.
(Nicky Melville, Moira Naismith)


If the man wants to do it on his own 
socks will be the first thing to go.
(Moira Naismith, Kirsty Lewin)


When you smile at a crocodile 
lightning will strike the same place thrice.
(Jill Cameron, Clare Hewitt)


If man could think properly 
he will always be true to you.
(Judy Wilson, Moira Naismith)


When noodles marry under a molten sky
there will be delightful laughter.
(Kirsty Lewin, Jill Cameron)


When Jack jumped out of the cupboard like a pimple that appears overnight
we should defer to the right honourable gentleman.
(Clare Hewitt, Nicky Melville)


If he’d seen the gobstopper coming
skin will become obsolete replaced by fur sewn on small bits of plastic.
(Kirsty Lewin, Judy Wilson)


If a shark could hold a fork 
blow flies will bottle it.
(Clare Hewitt, Kirsty Lewin)


When we meet in the hospital
all the farmers will be chased out of town.
(Jill Cameron, Clare Hewitt)

 
If a woodchuck could chuck wood
change can & does happen.
(Clare Hewitt, Jill Cameron)


If she really had a clue
there will be an almighty gong.
(Moira Naismith, Nicky Melville)


When the saucepans invaded
it would have been insane.
(Judy Wilson, Moira Naismith)

If curtains could sob
birds would swim instead of flying.
(Kirsty Lewin, Judy Wilson)


When three plums add up to an apple in the bush
jumpers would be like small anthills, lumpy and hole-ridden.
(Judy Wilson)

Edinburgh Mews is the collective name for a long-running writing class facilitated by nicky melville. Participants, past and present, include Clare Hewitt, Eimear Murphy, Jan Finlayson, Jill Cameron, Judy Wilson, Kirsty Lewin, Moira Naismith, though not all feature in this piece.

 
 

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