Joe Balaz


FROM BOTH HEMISPHERES

CENTRAL CASTING



It’s very stimulating
sitting heah at da console

wit da cymbals, whistles, and knobs,
clanging, blowing, and turning—

Excuse me
while I fade into da wallpaper.


Right out of central casting

from wun big room
in da organ of cognition

da storyline is coalescing

into da brightness
of wun newborn star.


All da mysterious gas
and magic dust

is being drawn in
from both hemispheres

and ingenuity is blazing.


Trust me wen I say
dat you stay missing wun awful lot

by not really experiencing
wat you could be experiencing.

Maybe you should just relax
and let your mind wander.


You stay hung up
on wun specific gateway

through wun calculated
and limited regimen

but deah’s much to be said
foa exploratory tinking

cause everyting flows freely
through da chain link fences.


It’s like picking ideas
from wun grapevine

dat floats by and den disappears.


Deah’s no sense wondering
wat sparked da revelation.


It’s moa fascinating
to simply ponder da creative words

dat your eyes are reading right now.



TINKING ABOUT BACH



Wun old friend

wen tell me in wun email
about da novel he wen write.


Da story wuz about wun guy

dat wuz searching
foa wun missing work

by Johann Sebastian Bach.


Maybe my old friend
going make Hemingway jealous

cause he really knows
how to turn wun phrase

to use in wun story.


He said

dat his work
wuz layered and recursive.

I had to look
in wun writing composition book

to see wat dat means.


My old friend wen also tell me
dat he planned to go to Leipzig

to see wun festival
foa Bach ovah deah.


Too bad da event wuz postponed
and pushed into anadah year.


It wuzn’t wun total bummah
foa him dough

cause he wen find out latah

dat wun guy he knew
from long time ago

wen invite him to come visit
and stay at da guy’s house.


So now my old friend

going still get to go
to da land of sauerkraut

foa hang out and explore
da classical music scene.


Da guy ovah deah

used to play
in wun orchestra in Göttingen,

so he would be
wun unreal host and guide.


Brah, if it wuz me,
and I got dat kine invitation,

I would have
wun sudden propensity wit Germany

and I would pack my bags
and be gonzu!


Kanak in wun tuxedo

showing up at wun concert hall
in Deutschland.


Maybe I should weah
wun gray wig like Johann

dat kinnah reminds me
of my late Aunty Maggie’s hair.


In da spirit of da visit

I tink I could also learn to play
da violin too.


You pluck dis ting or wat?

And wat
is dis long horse tail stick foa?


Eh, no make fun of me
wit my wishes and my dreams

cause I even know
most of Bach’s well known adagios

in da same way I know

wat all da life forms
on Uranus look like.



DAT LAST DAIFUKU MOCHI



If your value your sneaky life
and all da value dat it holds

no touch dat last Daifuku Mochi.


I know had sixteen to begin wit
in two separate clear packages.


In each package
in nice Japanee regimented rows

had four white ones to da left
and four pink ones to da right.


I know how much your maddah ate.
I know how much I wen eat.

I know how much your sistah ate.

I know how much
I intend to finish eating.


I know how much you ate—
or do I really?


You may not have heard
dat old song dat Kui Lee wen sing

One Paddle, Two Paddle,

wit all da different kine music
you listen to today.


Go find dat old song
on your smartphone

pay attention to da lyrics

and keep
one of dose paddles in mind.


Da fingahs dat touch da last
remaining pink mochi

going be blue ones.


Da eyes dat wen go
searching foa it

going be black ones

aftah dey survey wun certain spot
and move stuff around

to find it.


I am aware
dat I am hiding

dis last precious one
in da back of da refrigerator.


I am not happy
about da laulau dat wen disappear

wen I wen use dis same tactic
to hide dat ono ting too.


And whoever wen use
da Phillips screwdriver

foa unscrew da screws

so you could bypass da lock
I had to put on dat cabinet

foa keep
my cans of beef stew safe

watch out!


You going pay wen heavy price too

and you not going have to worry
about any prison time

cause you will not live to get deah.


All I need to say now

is dat deah is new surveillance
technology in action.


So if you tink you smarter den me
which I one day hope you will be

when you come home from school
go read wun book

and stop practicing your efforts
to be wun crook.



SHOOTING WUN WHALE WIT WUN BAZOOKA



At Kana Kaluka
Rodney wen shoot wun whale wit wun bazooka

and he wen dig out in his small speedboat

wen all da tourists on da sightseeing ship
wen scream at him.


Why da hell he did dat
nobody knows

but plenty people wen freak out

and dey wen form wun spontaneous posse
foa go chase him down.


Five adah private boats
wen pursue him so he no get away

and dey wuz already on dere smartphones
to people on da shoreline

so da news wen spread fast.


No mess around wit environmentalists
in da Golden State

cause dey going mobilize fastah den da cops
and everyting going be all ovah foa you.


Rodney wuz suddenly wun fugitive

running from tree huggahs and Bambi lovers
dat wanted to kick his okole.


Nobody wuz quite sure

how he wen acquire
da deadly hand-held weapon on da black market

but wat wuz really on dere minds right now
wuz getting big time revenge foa da dead whale.


Down da coast
all da way to Monterey

da word wuz out

wen Rodney wen land his speedboat in wun panic
by da power plant at Moss Landing

so everybody in da area wuz on to him.


Even people on da beach
looking foa sand dollahs

dose collectible sea urchins

got wind of da situation
and joined in on da manhunt.


In no time at all
Rodney wuz trying to escape down da beach

in front of wun rabid mob
dat wuz closing in on him.


Veronica
wuz wun California moonbeam

all woo-woo from her purple tinted hair
to her multicolored toe nails

but she had her tomboy side too
wit her heart-shaped tattoos on her huge biceps.


She wuz meditating on da beach

and imagining
dat she wuz wun long strand of kelp

gently moving to and fro in da ocean

wen Rodney
came running on da sand

wit wun gang of people chasing him.


Veronica wen notice

dat some of her close friends
wuz aftah da guy

so she wen spring into action
and tackle him like wun linebackah

pinning him down
as da crowd approached.


By da time da cops wen show up

Rodney had so many bruises on him
da buggah wen turn blue.


Lucky ting foa him
da police came to da rescue.


Da lesson heah

is dat if you evah have wun crazy urge
to do someting totally outrageous

it would be wise
not do someting as stupid

as shooting wun whale wit wun bazooka.


Glossaries

gonzu kanak Daifuku Mochi Kui Lee laulau ono Kana Kaluka okole

Gone. Slang for kanaka, Hawaiian word for person. A Japanese rice cake made from glutinous rice. Hawaiian musician and composer. Hawaiian dish of mainly some kind of meat, wrapped in ti leaves, and cooked in an earthen oven.Delicious. Hawaiian name for Santa Cruz in California. Buttocks.

Joe Balaz has created works in American English and Hawaiian Islands Pidgin (Hawai'i Creole English).

He presently lives in Cleveland, Ohio, and he is the author of Pidgin Eye.
 
 
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