Ali Zarbali


Monologue of a pervert

Please, please, please, listen to me, no, please don’t interrupt me, honey, okay, yes I am a porn addict, now listen, I know it seems ridiculous but it actually took several months for me to recognize my condition, seriously, I found myself watching porn on the way to work, on the way home, in lunch breaks in the office, before sleeping, in the morning, at noon, at midnight, in backseat of taxis, in coffee breaks of cultural events, right before and after my business meetings, meanwhile waiting for my departure in train stations, in the queues for customer services, meanwhile waiting for you to finish your makeup, yes I did that, I am sorry, please listen, okay, I know it is not enough to be sorry, yes I know, that is also correct, yes, on weekends, I told you that I feel sick or I am not in the mood for any kind of activity and I retreated to my room, laid on bed, my phone in one hand and rubbed my crotch with the other, yes I did that, please don’t shout, yes I know, I am sick, yes I am disgusting, I know, yes but you know there is nothing more exhilarating than looking forward to something, right, and I looked forward to being alone, impatiently, every day, I loitered everywhere watching out for an opportunity to be by myself, I hated when there are a lot of people around me, they rendered my seclusion impossible, they felt like lice, and once I got deloused, I leaned back on a comfy seat, put my headphones on, opened a favorite scene, increased the volume, yes, I highlighted my favorites in a separate folder, oh God, I felt ticklish tremors on my spine in excitement, yes, no, listen honey, okay please don’t shout, okay, I got it, I don’t call you honey, but listen, we got married a year ago, right, and you were stunning, no, listen, I mean you still are, we got along perfectly well, we both remember, right, we had an invincible attraction in between us, didn’t we, and sex was great too, it surely was, and yes, you can recall that in the third month of our marriage, all of a sudden, we had some problems, right, I mean, yes, correct, in fact, I had some issues, correct, yes, okay, I say it, I experienced erection issues, if you want me to be more precise, yes I felt ashamed, yes I know, in the beginning you were supportive, which actually made me even more embarrassed, I know, not your fault, listen, but, later on, I was able to read the dissatisfaction on your face and hear grumbles in your tone, no, I don’t complain, not your fault, but, yes, by time the frequency and the quality of our intimacy started fading, yes, indeed, you remember, correct, after half a year it completely dimmed out, no, please, let me finish, listen, I went to urologists, psychologists, but no help, it was an interesting situation, when I looked at your hot body, the feverish body that left me dazed before, I didn’t feel anything, no please sit down, listen, those lace garters and juicy thighs, those erect breasts and heavy buttocks, none of them made me excited, yes, not your fault, I know, erectile dysfunction it is, but interestingly, whenever I watched porn, I had a hard bloody rock throbbing down there, yes, I am disgusting, you said that already, listen, don’t be hard on me, not fair, at least I wasn’t the one having an affair, right, it wasn’t the solution, okay, I don’t blame you, no, actually, I do, I don’t know, I feel miserable, yes, you are right, I also didn’t do much to solve our issues, to communicate, yes, correct, please, stop crying, okay, go on cursing me, okay I go fuck myself with my dead clam, listen, no, I never did such thing, listen, I tell you, I never uploaded those videos anywhere, no, they were just for me, yes I did that, I set a camera in the bedroom, yes, I am a sick pervert, I know that, but guess what, yesterday was my day off but you didn’t even realize that I was leaving for work, no I didn’t go anywhere obviously, I lingered around in the park, I saw him entering the building and I waited there until finally he’s done making love to you with his snarling snout, yes, I am a disgrace, yes, you hate me, good for you, yes, good for me too, yes but I don’t understand if you hate me because I video-recorded you cheating on me or because I masturbated on those videos, yes I did that, yes, I am disgusting, you are too, you cheated on me, you realize that, don’t you, no, I don’t shut up, no, it is not enough, of course, I am not done yet, look at me, no, please, sit down, okay, go on shouting, no, you don’t go anywhere, listen, let me finish, listen…

Ali Zarbali was born in Azerbaijan. Currently he lives and writes in Hungary, Budapest. His stories have recently appeared in Maudlin House, New World Writing, and Down in the Dirt, among others.

 
 

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