bart plantenga
A Dozen Or So Facts About Amsterdam That Are Known
By Very Few Of Its Own Residents
__________
Note: The audio remix version of “A Dozen Or So Facts” appeared on the CD "Reel to Real, vol. 1" with Marc Sloan and is available at https://marcsloan-reeltorealvol1.bandcamp.com/album/marc-sloan-reel-to-real-vol-1.
The reremixed video version can be viewed at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYQAdmWmhlQ.
bart plantenga is the author of novels like Beer Mystic, short story collection Wiggling Wishbone & novella Spermatagonia: The Isle of Man, wander memoirs: Paris Scratch and NY Sin Phoney in Face Flat Minor & the book LIST FULL: List Poems of Necessary Orderliness (Spuyten Duyvil). His books YODEL-AY-EE-OOOO: The Secret History of Yodeling Around the World & Yodel in HiFi + the CD Rough Guide to Yodel have created the misunderstanding that he’s the world’s foremost yodel expert. The New York Times Magazine featured YODEL-AY-EE-OOOO in its “Annual Year of Ideas.” He’s also a DJ & has produced Wreck This Mess in NYC, Paris & Amsterdam since forever. He lives in Amsterdam.
By Very Few Of Its Own Residents
1 The people of Amsterdam are too tall. Some nations no longer offer hotel accommodations to Amsterdammers. Scientists believe their height — an average of nearly 2 meters or over 6 feet — is to compensate for the fact that much of Amsterdam is up to 2 meters below sea level.
2 The mayor of Amsterdam must prove that he or she can swim 25km nonstop through the city’s canals and the citizens are allowed to pelt him or her with old bread along the way.
3 7121 commercially released films have been shot in Amsterdam over the years. Every citizen must appear in a movie every 10 years. Even if you’re just passing through the backdrop. At an Amsterdammer’s funeral, the funeral home must dig up the films in which they have appeared and show them at the service.
4 A blue light in the red light district indicates a transgender prostitute. Yellow is for same sex, while orange lights mean the prostitute — male or female — will only speak to you in Old Dutch.
5 The flower market sells enough bulbs annually to cover the entire earth in flowers and, if seen from space, an astronaut would be able to tell you what flower he or she is reminded of. A camelia is a common answer among astronauts.
6 The man famous for counting every blade of grass within the city limits is indeed a Dutchman who was actually colorblind and filmed the entire year long event. He wore out the knees of 3 pairs pants and has given us the figure of 5 billion, 300 million, 273 thousand and 201 blades of grass.
7 There are 207 van Gogh paintings in Amsterdam but only 195 are displayed. The rest have been buried according to instructions left behind by van Gogh himself. These he wanted only the persevering and enterprising to discover by following his instructions to the letter. They are buried in waterproof trunks and cannot be photographed.
8 Every year 412 tourists high on the strong Amsterdam weed fall into the canals. Of those 412, 203 claim that although nonswimmers before falling in, they were suddenly able to swim very well. The THC levels of the inner city canals are higher than those of other city in the world.
9 Led Zeppelin in 1978 took over all 8 carillons scattered around Amsterdam and played “Stairway to Heaven” for the entire city. Yes, there are only 4 members of Led Zeppelin but they managed to gain the services of Black Dog, a Dutch Led Zeppelin Tribute Band. Their performance of “Stairway” is noted on page 383 of the Guinness Book of World Records under most carillons ever used to play one tune simultaneously.
10 Every year several female tourists claim they got pregnant riding around on a rented bicycle. Can it be that the seats preserve live sperm? There is as yet no one who believes this is a conspiracy or even true.
11 Of Amsterdam’s 1281 bridges, less than half lead anywhere. That is why so many people get lost here and never manage to leave. Obviously the official population of 812,000 is much higher if we include these lost people.
12 Many of Amsterdam’s innercity homes lean either left or right or even forward. This was so that top floor inhabitants could see callers on the street. The left or right leaning is also more purposeful than mere uneven sinking of buildings. It has been shown that when people are inebriated on one too many beers the buildings actually appear to be straight.
2 The mayor of Amsterdam must prove that he or she can swim 25km nonstop through the city’s canals and the citizens are allowed to pelt him or her with old bread along the way.
3 7121 commercially released films have been shot in Amsterdam over the years. Every citizen must appear in a movie every 10 years. Even if you’re just passing through the backdrop. At an Amsterdammer’s funeral, the funeral home must dig up the films in which they have appeared and show them at the service.
4 A blue light in the red light district indicates a transgender prostitute. Yellow is for same sex, while orange lights mean the prostitute — male or female — will only speak to you in Old Dutch.
5 The flower market sells enough bulbs annually to cover the entire earth in flowers and, if seen from space, an astronaut would be able to tell you what flower he or she is reminded of. A camelia is a common answer among astronauts.
6 The man famous for counting every blade of grass within the city limits is indeed a Dutchman who was actually colorblind and filmed the entire year long event. He wore out the knees of 3 pairs pants and has given us the figure of 5 billion, 300 million, 273 thousand and 201 blades of grass.
7 There are 207 van Gogh paintings in Amsterdam but only 195 are displayed. The rest have been buried according to instructions left behind by van Gogh himself. These he wanted only the persevering and enterprising to discover by following his instructions to the letter. They are buried in waterproof trunks and cannot be photographed.
8 Every year 412 tourists high on the strong Amsterdam weed fall into the canals. Of those 412, 203 claim that although nonswimmers before falling in, they were suddenly able to swim very well. The THC levels of the inner city canals are higher than those of other city in the world.
9 Led Zeppelin in 1978 took over all 8 carillons scattered around Amsterdam and played “Stairway to Heaven” for the entire city. Yes, there are only 4 members of Led Zeppelin but they managed to gain the services of Black Dog, a Dutch Led Zeppelin Tribute Band. Their performance of “Stairway” is noted on page 383 of the Guinness Book of World Records under most carillons ever used to play one tune simultaneously.
10 Every year several female tourists claim they got pregnant riding around on a rented bicycle. Can it be that the seats preserve live sperm? There is as yet no one who believes this is a conspiracy or even true.
11 Of Amsterdam’s 1281 bridges, less than half lead anywhere. That is why so many people get lost here and never manage to leave. Obviously the official population of 812,000 is much higher if we include these lost people.
12 Many of Amsterdam’s innercity homes lean either left or right or even forward. This was so that top floor inhabitants could see callers on the street. The left or right leaning is also more purposeful than mere uneven sinking of buildings. It has been shown that when people are inebriated on one too many beers the buildings actually appear to be straight.
__________
Note: The audio remix version of “A Dozen Or So Facts” appeared on the CD "Reel to Real, vol. 1" with Marc Sloan and is available at https://marcsloan-reeltorealvol1.bandcamp.com/album/marc-sloan-reel-to-real-vol-1.
The reremixed video version can be viewed at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYQAdmWmhlQ.
bart plantenga is the author of novels like Beer Mystic, short story collection Wiggling Wishbone & novella Spermatagonia: The Isle of Man, wander memoirs: Paris Scratch and NY Sin Phoney in Face Flat Minor & the book LIST FULL: List Poems of Necessary Orderliness (Spuyten Duyvil). His books YODEL-AY-EE-OOOO: The Secret History of Yodeling Around the World & Yodel in HiFi + the CD Rough Guide to Yodel have created the misunderstanding that he’s the world’s foremost yodel expert. The New York Times Magazine featured YODEL-AY-EE-OOOO in its “Annual Year of Ideas.” He’s also a DJ & has produced Wreck This Mess in NYC, Paris & Amsterdam since forever. He lives in Amsterdam.
previous page contents next page
posted by mark young at 9:02 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home